An Exercise in Comparison and Contrast

This week I took a moment to look back on the past year, and I got really tickled.

Since I started this blog our life has probably sounded like all puppies and rainbows, and if I’m honest I’d have to admit it often feels that way, too. Since about…November(?) we have been inundated with such good things.  I mean such good things.  Such good things, in fact, that it’s easy for me to forget there was every anything else.

H-A.

For those of you who lived last year alongside us, this isn’t news. If you weren’t privy to the ins and outs of our day to day life last year, I won’t burden you with the details, but I’ll try to paint the picture with broad strokes.

Last Year: Just a year ago we started our adoption journey by setting out to find an agency.  We diligently searched, called, read, and prayed for over five months.  Very shortly we became discouraged.  After just a bit more time we began to feel despair.  We had a fairly clear vision of our values and principles and hit brick wall after brick wall in our search.  What if we never find people we trust?  Do we have to change our expectations even though we feel confident they are from The Lord?  Is this going to end before it ever begins?  Crushing thoughts of years-long dreams ending pervaded our thoughts day in and day out.

This Year:  We have an agency we love and trust, with a caseworker whom I want to hug and send a pie every single time we talk.  Their ideals and values don’t just match ours, they exceed and continually guide and shape them. We now ask each other  Can you imagine doing something like this without Gladney?  Thank you, God, for our agency.

Last Year:  We moved last year.  Let’s not get bogged down in the details, lest I burst into tears.  Six months of selling our house three different times, two of which fell through.  Making offers that were accepted on two houses, getting an extension on closing on the first house, only for the deal to fall through at the last moment.  One botched appraisal.  Thousands of lost dollars.  Tears and yelling.  Weeks of construction and remodeling.  Taking over my precious cousin’s home with all our belongings and dogs.  People who knew the ongoing volatile situation would take my hand, look me in the eye, and say, Well God must have an even more wonderful house for you.  I won’t lie, I was not in a great place during this process.  I would stare blankly at these well intentioned encouragers and reply, What if He doesn’t?  And it wasn’t that I ever thought God wanted something bad for us, but I did think the things that were happening were bad.  Bad things happen all the time and they aren’t God’s plan and they aren’t the best and what if that’s what this was? And alternately, what if it was God closing these doors but it wasn’t because He had a more wonderful house for us but rather wanted us in a one-bedroom apartment with our small savings account drained?  I remember the day the reality and magnitude of that thought finally seeped all the way through my brain and into my heart and I realized what that would mean.  I was on the phone with my best friend, Candace, as I drove through downtown to pick Jonathan up from work.  On the eve of a big decision day with one of the houses she was recounting her long and difficult home buying journey.  If something (who knows what now) was approved we would get the house, if it wasn’t, we lost the house, the money, the time, etc.  She told me she believed God would be faithful to bring us through this, and to provide everything we needed and wanted.  The tears started to stream down my face and my throat tightened.  The thing is, I know God will be faithful tomorrow.  I know He will bless us beyond what we can imagine.  But if we lose the house, the money, the time, the effort, He will still have been faithful.  We will still have been blessed.  How can I dare to act like that’s not true?  And like best friends do, we cried together.  The truth of it weighed down on us both, and it was hard, and we were grateful.

This year:  Perspective is everything on this one!  We live in an amazing home that we both love.  I truly wake up most days, look around and say, I can’t believe I get to live here.  In full disclosure, we tore out the master bathroom when we moved in and it has been studs and slab ever since.  Our closet is unusable. We don’t care. We are settled in a home that will hold all the children we can have and gather.  We’ve even hosted a family party and SIXTY people made themselves at home there.  Jonathan has started planting fruits and veggies in pots and planning raised beds for the backyard.  And then there’s the pool, his ultimate dream come true.  I’ll never say God made all those horrible things happen last year, but I sure won’t miss the opportunity to be thankful for what He’s given.  Thank you, God, for our home.

Last Year:  We started out 2013 on an epic road trip.  Fifteen days of driving through nine western states.  We spent every moment together and couldn’t get enough.  Fast forward just a few months and when our newlywed curriculum lesson on unity in marriage through hard times came around, our teacher called and said “I think this is your lesson.”  So we taught.  We bared our souls to the class and admitted our worst moments of the year.  The moments we looked at each other and thought, How much longer can we make it through this?  The more we prayed for unity and clarity the more muddled and disparate our thoughts were.  There were days we were so weary I would try to pray and all I could do was cry.  There was an entire team of our friends picking up the slack, though!  The texts poured in, I prayed for you this morning.  We love you.  Can’t wait to hear how things are going.  They shouldered a huge amount of the load and drug us through when we thought we’d die or kill each other.  There were so many days when I just looked at Jonathan and sighed, I can’t handle one more bad thing happening today.

This Year:  Just a month ago I looked at Jonathan and sighed, I can’t handle one more good thing happening today.  And of course, something else good happened within the hour.  I have cried as many tears of overwhelming joy in the past few months as I did tears of desperation in the whole of last year.  There are moments where I don’t think I can bear the weight of innumerable blessings, and then I remember, I don’t have to.  Our team that prayed and cried and held us up are now praying and celebrating and sharing in each joy.  I can’t say any more about this, or I won’t be able to keep from sobbing and I’m in public.  So…moving on.

It wasn’t that every moment of 2013 was bad.  There were great days together.  There were new friendships.  There was good food (let’s be serious, with us, there will always be good food).

It’s not that everything in 2014 is perfect.  There are days that we get irritated about sharing a car.  Jonathan’s work schedule is overwhelming.  We had to officially pass on our profile book being shown to a birth mother (we were not the right fit for her, the decision was clear and easy to make, our caseworker agreed, supported and encouraged us) and when we hung up the phone I sobbed.  We aren’t the best at waiting, and we’re doing a lot of waiting.  Our dogs overdosed on pain meds.  There’s some not so good food.

But the thing is, I know God will be faithful tomorrow.  Whether we are stricken with burdens and delays or loaded down with gifts and maybe even get a call that we’ve been chosen for a baby, He has been and will continue to be faithful.  I can’t act any other way.

 

Post Script

This is the last week to order a wristlet from Worthy of the Prize in support of our adoption. Thank you to everyone who has purchased them, we love seeing them!  If you are interested in buying one just go to Worthy of the Prize, choose your color, and buy before the end of the month.  

If you know someone who is adopting or considering adoption and want more information on how to raise money through this organization, email me at thehalas@yahoo.com.